averagemedium | [Off-Comm Threads]

Promise you I'm going to try not to start, okay?

[And after giving him a light squeeze, he adds-]

...but if I did, that's exactly what I'd want you to do. Just. For the record, and everything.

...what do you mean?

[Henry pulls back, not quite frowning at him, but looking a lot more neutral than usual.]

I'd want you to take care of it. Make it stop, if I couldn't.

[He shrugs one shoulder, shifting uncomfortably as his fingers dig in to the fabric of his shirt.]

...so, uh. I guess this is-- my request for you to kill me if it ever happens.

[For a few seconds he stares at him, before a mild, and entirely normal smile crosses his expression.]

Sure.

[Lying. If Ryan went crazy, he'd protect him. If anyone else tried to stop him, he'd kill them. If Ryan tried to kill him- he'd let him, if he couldn't stop him safely.]

--You've gotta do the same though! I don't want to wake up remembering offing ya, right?

[Hypocritical, but he didn't particularly care.]

[There's a long pause before he finally nods, just slightly.]

...Okay, yeah.

[Also lying. He has enough problems killing the enemy, even if Henry were trying to kill him he's not sure he could manage it in self-defense. The fact that they come back doesn't really matter, not when the memory of doing it would never go away-- he would rather be killed than kill.]

I'd try, anyway. Think you're a lot better at it than I am.

Good think you've got control, huh? You can just make me do it myself~

[He doesn't even think of not believing him, and it's with a small laugh that he's pulling him close again, leaning up to press a kiss to his jawline.]

I-- guess I could?

[Yeah, no, no he really couldn't. He sounds uncomfortable, eyes flicking away from Henry's face. The kiss helps a bit, but he is so not okay with this thought.]

...theoretically. Think I'm more likely to try my luck with the sword.

Hm, that's right, you've been practicing haven't you?

[But he notices the discomfort, and it's distracting enough from the always-tempting idea of getting stabbed to death, and he strokes slowly at his back instead.]

Hopefully you'll never get around to needing to use it. Leave the slaughter for those of us who enjoy it!

Just try not to go nuts on me, and I'll do the same-- and then we'll be fine, 'kay?

[Maybe if he repeats it enough, that's going to make it true. That touch is relaxing, though, and he decides the shirt can just stay in the sink for all he cares.]

But for now, I just want to go lie down and forget about it for a while.

I'll try.

[If nothing else, the experience made him a little more conscious of possibly needing to control those intrusive ideas, instead of just going along with them like he had been doing.

So he pulls back with another smile, taking his good hand with both of his.]

So let's get you lying down, huh?

Sounds like a good idea to me.

[He gives him a small smile back, shifting to lead him back to the bedroom-- he quickens his pace a little while passing the living room, though. He'll need to find that needle later, see if anything else needs cleaned, but for now he doesn't want to go back in.]

...no idea if I'll be able to sleep tonight, but we can at least try to get comfortable, right?

Gotta get sleep when you can, these days. Day or night, as long as you're not walking off mid-way it's a success.

[He only reluctantly lets go once they're actually in the bedroom, pulling the blankets back from the bed.]

I'm trying, it just... keeps ending in walking off, yeah. About to just tie myself to the damn bed.

[He huffs out a sigh as he flops down onto it, not bothering to strip anything off first. All he wants is to curl up, that can wait.]

Saaaame. I mean, it's fun not knowing where I'll end up next, but I'd rather wake up right here.

[And he nudges at him for emphasis. Henry's feeling the same way about clothes; lying down, and curling back up next to Ryan- those were priorities.]

[He's just going to shift to wrap himself around Henry as well as he's able, making them into a close tangle of limbs.]

Bet we'd manage to undo them somehow, with our luck. Might be worth a shot, though?

[Sounds like he's mostly joking, but- okay. Maybe not entirely. And maybe not completely in the 'stop sleepwalking' context, either.]

[And he's pleased with that tangle, feeling more at ease than he'd been since he'd woken to see Ryan stitching himself up.]

Totally willing to try it. Hey, maybe you can tie yourself to me! It'll be harder for one of us to wander off without the other noticing, that way.

...Oh my god, Henry, we're going to fall off the bed and somebody's going to break their neck if we do that.

[He has his face pressed into the crook of Henry's neck as he starts just quietly laughing. There's more than just amusement to it, and once he's started he doesn't seem quite able to stop it again just yet; it's desperate, venting out lingering tension and emotion, his shoulders shaking as he tries to just breathe.]

[Sure, he laughs a lot himself, Henry's not gonna judge, but that. That was weirding him out just a little.

Not enough to keep him from joining in, if not quite as uncontrollably. It's still a few minutes before he can manage any kind of reply.]

I know- won't it be great?

Maybe.

[It's breathless, and he lets go with one arm to reach up, pull his glasses off, and rub at his face-- he'd started tearing up near the end there and he's still barely holding that off. Shutting the emotional floodgates once they've opened isn't easy for him, and after earlier... it all had kind of hit at once, thoughts running along from 'god, we're going to die that way' to 'I think I almost did'. And while the closeness had been and is a comfort to him, a much appreciated one, it's not quite a replacement for letting things out.]

--god. I'm sorry, Henry, I just-- [He sort of starts to choke up a little there, pausing to breathe deeply. Goddamnit. He's not going to get stupidly emotional all over him. Nope.] --everything. Just everything.

[Definitely weirding him out a little. And worrying him at the same time. It was an odd combination, made both sharper and somehow surreal by that mutual exhaustion. It had been too long since either of them had really slept. Of course nerves would fray.

A low, concerned sound escapes him, tilting his head to press his lips to the corner of one eye, moving a hand to touch and stroke at his hair. His voice is a soft echo of his usual humor.]

...everything's a lot, isn't it?

It's-- it's a whole fucking lot, I'm sorry, I swear I'm not usually--

[He has to stop there to try to choke it back again, without much success; he gives his head a shake, burying his face.

"I'm okay" is probably less convincing when it's sobbed into your shoulder, and his own shudder slightly with the effort of trying to stop.]

I'm sorry, it's dumb, I know, I'm not- [It just ends in a frustrated little noise.]

It's not dumb, Ryan.

[He doesn't think he needs to point out everything that had been going on, what had just happened- Henry just holds him tighter, still stroking his hair with a firm, if slightly-shaky hand.

He couldn't say that it would all be okay. There was no end in sight, everything was just getting worse, he'd almost killed Ryan- the one person who, until that point, he'd felt sane around. Almost normal.

No, it wasn't okay. And it wasn't dumb either.]

...y'don't have to talk about it, but you can, okay?

Dunno if there's anything to say.

[It's muffled and choked, his voice thick. He's given up on not crying and everything is just... sobbed out as best he can.]

You were there, you-- you know what-- you know we can't do anything. Stupid to get all worked up over it. S'not gonna change anything, I just-- I want it to be over, I don't want to deal with it, I want to it to go away.

It's not stupid-

[Henry pushes his head back, until he can get to Ryan's face, kissing and stroking at it. And then he's just crooning to him- soft, wordless noises, a bit animalistic. Same with the small licks, cleaning at his tears.

It hurt to see him hurting. And he couldn't lie to him, couldn't fix it when the attack came from their own heads, could only hold and nuzzle and hope it stopped.]

We're both alive, okay? We made it- we'll keep making it.

[It's comforting, in a bit of a strange way. Not what he's used to at all, but the intent behind it is enough, and he at least manages to calm himself enough to breathe more, voice still thick.]

I know. I know, it just... I didn't mean to get all weepy on you, fuck.

[His fingers burrow into the fabric of Henry's shirt, clinging tight.]

I should be way more used to not being able to do anything but it just never quits being awful.

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